I'M BBBAAAAAAAACCKK

I have returned, your lives are once again filled with meaning. My apologies for how long it has been since my last post, as you know I declared war on several alien cultures. Since then I have been systematically eliminating their resistance forces. I am know to be referred to as the supreme overlord of the beta, gamma, talla, and omega quadrants.

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So sayeth I, Joe, supreme leader of the earth.

Fair warning what I just posted was offensive and a declaration of interstellar war in five alien cultures.

Conquering the world. Plan # 1

Plan number one for conquering the world, Kittens....... lots and lots of kittens. It's quite simple really. First I give everyone a kitten. Awwwwww, Cute! then the kittens slit half their throats in the night. Everyone is terrified and is ready to surrender. Suddenly a hero emerges.... ME! I fend off all the kittens. We create thick walls around the last of humanity so nothing can get in or out. BUT! I left an opening. all the kittens get in and help trap the remaining humans. Game over. I now rule the world with and iron paw!
And so it was that the world fell to Joe.

Sorry about not blogging.

I'm sorry that I have not blogged much lately. I have just finished my final exam and I went to Canada's Wonderland on Saturday. Unfortunately I am also very tired and preoccupied today so here is a video of some lightning which I took with my cellphone about two weeks ago. It's pretty cool actually.

RIP my flip flops.

So earlier today a tragedy of epic proportions. My flip flops, loyal companions which went from camp Cherith all the way to Kensington market,. have passed away. Me and one of my friends were having a fun little tustle when he went for the classic (and slightly predictable) leg behind leg throw. Unfortunately, he stepped on my foot as he did so, ripping my flip flops strap apart. While I was able to finish the fight despite my deep personal loss (I won of course), I was quite saddened by the loss of my dear friends. My friend gave me a pair of his flip flops which he no longer uses as I had nothing else to wear home, but it just wasn't the same. Now, I must go and come to terms with this great personal loss.

Best exam day ever?

Earlier today I had the first of my four exams, science. I felt pretty confident coming out of it, I think I did pretty good. So, after my exam I was chilling with a couple of my friends and had a couple laughs while I waited for my math teacher to open her room so me and my friends could study for tomorrow. We finally got into her room and were chilling like villains doing a bit of studying when lunch rolls around. Usually I go to my friends house after an exam and relax and grab a bite at his house. Unfortunately, I was in the math room and he was there with me. Out of the blue he asks, "Joe do you like turkey sandwiches?" Of course I do so I answer yes. "Good, my mom packed you some for lunch." Sure enough within his lunch sack is a bag with JOSEPH printed across it. His mom packed me a lunch because I wouldn't be going to their house!! How awesome is my friend's mom? With all due respect mom, you're fired..... I'm just kidding. After an awesome lunch my teacher asked if we wanted to know what our marks were heading into the exam. Of course we wanted to know. I thought that I was failing, she looked at me almost angrily and said "I'm not sure how you're getting this. Especially after that last test." She regarded me for another moment before saying that I was at 60%. I will admit that I may have over done it on the celebration. I yelled so loud to girls nearby basically jumped out of their seats. I then did a lap of the second and third floor fist pumping. When we had had enough studying we bid farewell to our teacher and me and my two friends went outside to play around with a Frisbee. When I got home tonight there were some problems with the freezer so we had to cook the beef before it thawed and went bad, so we made tacos. To surmise, today rocked. Now I should go do a bit of studying for my math exam tomorrow.

Science

Currently I am, or should be , studying at my friends house as we have a science exam tomorrow. I should be ok but I want to keep my grade up plus I'm taking two science classes next year so I want to do well. Many people pretty much drop science as soon as it is no longer a mandatory course. I would like to ask you one question, why? if there is a chance that science will clone dinosaurs, I want to be there when it happens. Also how awesome would it be to understand a black hole? Better yet, learn how to make one. With science I will clone dinosaurs and have a black hole generator. With a black hole generator I can tell the entire world to stand down and surrender. The I will take all the dinosaur bones and DNA in the world. I will proceed to raid all cybernetic enhancement labs in the world. The earth will soon be patrolled by cloned cyborg dinosaurs, with me as the undisputed ruler. Ahhhhh, an entire world as my resort, isn't science great?

The best type of tail

Recently I've been wondering, what is the best kind of tail? I can see a monkey's tail being quite useful, after all it's basically an extra limb. Grabbing the milk, climbing a tree, holding a pencil, things like that. It would be a huge advantage in just about any situation, it also would have benefits to your balance. At the same time though I would like a scorpion's tail. Not only would it look awesome but imagine how sweet it would be for a fight. Some guy pulls a knife, you slowly and dramatically raise a massive scorpion tail over your head. The guy takes one look at it and runs away. It's kind of hard too decide, even like a lizard tail would be pretty cool. Leave a comment about what would be the best kind of tail. I'd like to hear your ideas.

FIRE!!

Ok, so yesterday me and my sister had a campfire and I discovered something fun awesome (but fairly dangerous) to do. So roll up some newspaper so that it is somewhere between loose and tight. Light the end that you aren't holding. Let it burn for about a minute. By this time it may have died on it's own, if it hasn't blow it out. Now you can re-ignite it simply by blowing on it. Wait for it to die and you can do this again, repeat. Note* Near the end you can ignite much stronger flames with less effort. *End Note. For advanced users; once you have been do this for a couple minutes and the paper is so that one must barely breathe on it too light it, swing the paper in a rapid figure eight movement to re-ignite even more awesomely.

If your thinking that you'de like to be like me then go ahead try, the kid inside will set you free.!

Ok, so I'm sitting on my laptop. Listening to a string of Spongebob songs and reading Pokemon memes. Now you may be thinking, could life get any better? Yes! The person who created this list of songs put Jelly patty and Come home Gary as the top two songs off of Spongebob. To make matters worse Best Day Ever wasn't even on there, neither was sweet victory!!!! If you haven't seen Squidward's marching band perform at the Bubble bowl you haven't lived. So to help you out here you go http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0abeFiF_es also Goofy goober Rock was ranked quite low. How does this even happen? some people have no class whatsoever. Only one way to sheer m up now, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeNxh5t5dHg I'M A GOOFY GOOBER!!!!!!

Talking foods.

How bad would it suck if all food could talk? Like imagine you're just sitting down to eat and you pick up an orange and it starts talking to you? And it's a really chill piece of citrus, he's all "Hey bro s'up? How was your day? Oh, me? I just kind of hung out in that bowl over there. You should meet the red delicious, nice guy." So at this point you are extremely hungry so you also pour yourself a bowl of Froot Loops. As you pour them out there is cheering and thanks for releasing them all from their prison. Suddenly there is screams of "HELP, I CAN'T SWIM!!!" and "I'M BEING FORCED UNDER!!!" while you pour the milk. The orange just looks at you and goes "Why are you doing that?" completely aghast. You start too eat your cereal and can hear them screaming while you chew. From the bowl there are various screams such as "Where's Billy?" and crying. Finally you finish your cereal and turn to the orange "C-could you pl-please put me back in the bowl?", he asks. You reach down and start peeling the orange, you can hear the mellow voice change to screams of panic and pain, and then the barbaric finish. You rip him apart bit by bit and devour him. How weird would that be?

Summatives.

Well it's that time of the year again, summatives. We all know what that means, time too get cracking, put our nose to the grindstone, GET STUFF DONE!!! In other words I'm sitting on my couch eating peanut butter on toast calculating how long I can blow my assignment off. There's one due tomorrow which I haven't started, I'm thinking I can give it another hour or two before I get going. On second thought maybe I'll get right on it now, finish it quickly! Turn my studying habits and work ethic around! Oh, no bristleboard for my poster for another two hours? So much for that plan.

Just text me back already

Sometimes when I'm texting someone they take a super long time too respond. Needless to say I assume that they have died and it is my duty to find and eliminate the murderer. With sorrow in my heart I retrieve my compound bow, arrows, throwing knives, katana, skindoo, and machete. I begin my arduous journey too avenge the death of my friend. Along the way I begin too hone my skills, eliminating roving bands of marauders, wolves, thugs, creatures, and orcs. Finally the time comes to finish what I started out too do, then  they return my text so I go home and sit on the couch.

My new goal for the summer

It is around this time that people are setting goals for the summer and I have thought of one for myself. I want to tame a raven, if a raven is unavailable I will tame a crow instead. Crows and ravens are both highly intelligent and would thus, in my opinion, make awesome pets/companions. I will start by putting out bird seed at the same time everyday and then bringing back in at a set time as well. I will stay out with the food longer and longer until the birds get used to me. Eventually the crow/raven will no longer care that I am nearby as it eats. Slowly over a couple days I will come closer until I'km sitting next too it. Soon it will let me feed it out of my hand. At this point it will not be difficult for me to touch it while it's feeding. Eventually using small steps like this I will tame and train it. It will be called Silhouette and it will only respond too french.

The future of carrots

What is the future of carrots? Isn't it obvious? World domination. The way I see it, carrots are in a prime position for takeover. Carrots grow on almost every continent and have a variety of species including purple. Now, carrots are constantly evolving. Sooner or later the carrots will evolve to the point at which the can move and think on their own accord. When this happens they will start destroying our food supplies as revenge for having eaten them for so long. When we are starving and have little power left the carrots will step in and overpower us, making us their slaves. Before long we will be working in the fields helping grow their young. To maintain power the carrots force us to eat all other vegetables and fruits to keep them in check so that their is no chance of anything rising against them in their new position as the dominant species on the planet. Also they exterminate their natural predator, the rabbit.

Velociraptors playing basketball

Earlier today while playing basketball I was pretending to be a velociraptor. While I was doing this I started wondering wether or not velociraptors would be good at basketball. My brother just said that the huge claws would pop the ball, I like to think that they would dominate the court. Velociraptors were a speed and strategy based predators. With this speed they would tear down the court dodging anyone in there way and, because they are strategic hunters they would play their positions perfectly. Finally the jumping, their incredible jumping abilities would allow for practically half court slam dunks. All of these things would lead to complete and utter domination of the court, no one would be able to stop them..... Well, that and the fact that no one would try and beat them for fear of being eaten.

Okay, so maybe I'm not Spider-man.

A few days ago my brother rented a few movies including The Spectacular Spider-Man. When I got home I decided to watch it as I was bored. This was going to be my third or fourth time but it's a good movie so I didn't really care. Just as the movie was finishing my brother came downstairs saying that he was taking it to return it. In my hyped up mood I said "I'm Spider-Man!" and pretended to kick him while hopping up in the air using the couch for maximum effectiveness. Scornfully he said "No you're not." and pushed me down sending me crashing into some furniture. To surmise I think I'm going to have a bruise on my back.

Mad Murdoch: Superhero extroardanaire

If you have not seen the A-team (as in the old show) go out and do so immediately as it is fantastic. Over my viewing career of the show I have come to one undeniable truth. Murdoch is actually both a superhero and completely sane. Now you might be asking yourself "If he is a superhero and sane, why does he act the way he does?". The answer is simple, he's become bored of being indestructible and so he has decided to challenge himself. Murdoch does something new on every mission simply to see if he can do both it, and complete the mission without using his superpowers (this would also explain why he will take such big risks,he doesn't have too worry about being hurt). This also explains one other thing, the reason BA has not beaten Murdoch senseless. Murdoch actually told BA about his superpowers a long time ago (either that or BA just figured it out) and BA is trying to keep up his manly image so he will threaten Murdoch but he won't him as there would be no point. Finally, on one mission Murdoch actually dressed up as a superhero, he was dropping subtle hints to other members of the team to see if they would figure it out. I'm assuming that Hannibal also knows but just likes having Murdoch around and doesn't want too scare him off by telling him he knows he's secret. Also, Hannibal is hoping that if they are actually about too get shot Murdoch can save them as a last resort. Murdoch also hangs out in an insane asylum as the peoples behavior amuses him. Finally, I also believe that the only reason some of Hannibal's plans actually work is that Murdoch uses super speed to beat up a few people before they actually arrive.

Choosing food.

Ok so I had just gotten home and I was really hungry. I was deciding what to eat and I had finally settled on mini-wheats. However the milk had been left out so it was warm and I don't like room temperature milk. I was debating wether or not too pour the rest of that bag of milk out as there wasn't much left when, my brother Paul walked over and took the last of them. There was another box but the last bowl of mini-wheats is the best due too the crumbs. I then settled for opening the new mini-wheats, when I noticed there was leftover chicken in the fridge. However I had already poured my bowl of mini-wheats, I was forced to resign myself to eating the mini-wheats before going too get myself some chicken. Having to eat the food you have before you can eat what tastes better *sigh*, first world problems.
On a related not watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2p5svFJ9cQ

Marching Bands: the passing fad.

All right, so the way I see it marching bands are almost over with. You may be asking yourself "What will take it's place?". Have no worries for I have created a newer and more relatable marching activity. Marching pizza eating. Each group marches in sync whilst eating pizza. This will be a competitive event. The groups will be judged on they're synchronization (including taking bites), the pace at which they eat the pizza, how much pizza is eaten, and the snazzines of they're outfits. I hope you will all help me turn this into the world wide phenomenon it deserves to be.

Thank you all

I would like to take this moment to thank all my fans. Earlier today was my final ball hockey game of the season. With a grand total of 1 goal and several assists I am looking forward to next years NHL draft with anticipation. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself but I think the odds are looking well for me to be in the Leafs line-up two years from now. If I don't end up on the Leafs I hope to get onto just about any Canadian team, except the Canadians... or Ottawa. I probably won't have too worry though because when someone rips it up like I do they can generally choose where they want to play. So to surmise, don't forget to check me out at draft time next year and when I am inevitably nominated for the All-star game be sure too vote for me.

The only reason to study

I have finally discovered the only reason to study and work hard in school. To be as much as possible like Sherlock Holmes. The only problem I have with my life is that I am not intelligent enough to talk down to the majority of people and I imagine it would be quite fun. Sherlock Holmes is the one person who can talk down too anyone. Therefore I am making my goal in life to be like Sherlock Holmes. To do this I must increase my information of everything. I am assuming that to do this I should start with working hard in school, and deducing as much as possible about everyone. Although, let's be honest, I am probably not going to work harder in school.

Life is better in my head

The one thing I've noticed about life. It works out better in my head. Real life: Tornado drill. everyone in the hall. My brain: Young hero Joseph Bullock pulls three people out of building demolished by tornado. Real life: Math class... bored... bored.... still bored................. still like three quarters of class left...... UUUUUGHGH. My brain: Just sitting there feeling bored. Suddenly a guy bursts through the door armed with a knife!! He goes to stab one of the people near me! I lunge forward and smack his hand down so the person doesn't get hurt. He turns to try and stab me. I dodge to the side and kick him in the stomach. As he doubles over my knee comes up to meet his face. I kick away the knife and make sure he can't get away as I calmly call 911.
Oh, and girls talk to me. That would be nice.

I had a dream

When you are asleep your sub conscience is by far the most active part of your brain. Therefore, in theory, your innermost thoughts come out in your dreams. In my dream I was surrounded by orcs and then, when all hope seemed lost, they turned into unicorns. My dream then shifted and I was spider-man. I was just running around having a good time. That's when the aliens attacked. I didn't know what to do, they were bombarding the planet from orbit! Basically the rest of my dream was me running around dodging falling buildings. So deep down I yearn for superpowers, alien attacks, and were-unicorn-orcs.

The new Canadian order of Joe.

I have recently decided to become the dictator of Canada. I will have multiple atomic bombs placed in all of Canada's major cities. Effectively taking the entire country hostage. Orders will be given to detonate the bombs should anyone kill me or if I'm missing for more than 24 hours. The Canadian military will be forced to comply with all my orders due to the hostage situation. I will close all the borders so that no one can escape my law. All those who are non-citizens will be given a chance to leave (No point in starting wars when I just took over). Now that I am in control I can just do things for kicks. Rule number 1. The new national anthem is the original Pokemon theme song. Rule number 2. The new national animal is.... the Joe, that's right. I am the national animal of Canada. The fun I could have, I would walk up to people in the streets and point to them. Suddenly guards would pop out, grab them, and drag them away. People would think that they would die but really them and their families would be moved to a comfortable little resort in Nunavut, however they would never be allowed to leave as this would destroy the illusion. Finally, there would be national ice cream day during which everyone has to eat ice cream, But one in a million contains a powerful sedative which would knock them out (Target's would be predetermined so as to get the correct dosage). Then they would be moved to a resort in the Yukon so that, once again, people would think I was randomly picking people off. You know, psychological terror and all that.

Battle of the blogs Round 1: Light fixtures

Light fixtures, I was wondering why light fixtures are always attached to objects. Why limit ourselves? I am currently designing the light fixture nipple, tongue, and nose piercings. I for one hate when I'm wandering around somewhere new and the lights go out. No problem, stick out your tongue, flare your nostrils or take your shirt off and voilà, instant lighting. Now, some of you may be wondering, are these light fixture piercings safe? Well, no physical damage occurs but they were tested on prettyflycampguy.blogspot.ca so the mental effects are up for you to decide. These piercings come as a variety of light fixtures, ranging from a porch lamp to chandeliers. Prettyflycampguy spent two weeks wearing nothing but lamps over his nipples. Our light fixtures are much smaller and comfortable. Now some people believe that our nipple piercings were all cursed. Have no fear, we tested them all on prettyflycampguy and aside from the fact that his nipples started lactating monkeys nothing occurred. Well, that and the fact that his gender changed, and before you ask no, he did not become a woman. His gender simply changed we are not sure into what. But I digress, our light fixtures are top quality. As is my body.

Battle of the blogs

All right so currently campgirlintherealworld.blogspot.ca is creating a contest between me and my brother called battle of the blogs. For the rules check out campgirlintherealworld.blogspot.ca . to see who I am competing with check out prettyflycampguy.blogspot.ca . This will be a weekly contest. Please vote at Realworld's blog for me each week.

Sometimes my imagination goes a bit nuts

So I'm working on a project about Canada's involvement in creating the atomic bomb and my brain was like "Joe! teach yourself how to build a nuclear bomb". Brain, is that really a good idea? "Yeah bro, just imagine it. People will be asking what you learned during your project and then you can say, HOW TO BUILD A NUCLEAR BOMB!". No brain, that is way above me. "Then you can build a nuclear bomb!". Brain! "And conquer the world!". Somehow I think that getting either plutonium or uranium is above my pay grade. "Get a loan from the mob!". Then how do I pay back the mob? "Sell them the nuclear bomb at a profit, use the money to buy more plutonium and build another bomb!". You know, that kind of makes sense. "Yeah we're becoming a nuclear power!!!!".

Shut up brain

Am I the only one who's brain is kind of a tool? I'll just be sitting in class and it's like "You know what would be fun? throwing a desk through that window". Come on brain, why can't you have good ideas? by that I mean not along the lines of  "Let's stab a fork into your hand. You know, just to see how it feels". One day it is going to get me into trouble. I have honestly thought, on numerous occasions, I wonder how many of my classmates I could take down before they stop me. I sometimes even plan out what would be the best way to do it. I've also had to resist the urge to simply run and jump off of rooftops and into ravines. Why? Because why wouldn't I? Seriously, my brain is a bit of a tool. Scratch that, my brain is a huge tool. "Hey Joe,  let's go rob a bank. After that we can go skydiving with the money. Then let's hijack a plane and fly it to Hawaii". No, brain we are not going to do any of those things but, we can watch Jurassic Park later "Yeah!!"

Plants with faces

Okay so I was going through Facebook memes and I saw a thing for book ideas and it said plants with faces. That would be horrible, can you imagine? As in, humans and flowers coexist and bouquets would be a sort of mass murder thing.  Like what if they did a murder mystery?
The crime scene was curtained off. All remaining flowers had been relocated. As I am a flower my assistant carried me in in a pot. It was horrid, petals and stems and leaves littered the ground. It almost looked like scenes from a history book before us flowers had gained equal rights, what was that game called? Oh yes, loves me loves me not. It took me a minute to compose myself. I looked at the sergeant and asked "How many dead?"
"Five" He replied stony faced.
"Any missing?"
"Three"
I breathed deeply, filling myself with carbon dioxide before asking "So, do you think we're dealing with a..."
"Yes" he said with a sickened expression "a gardener".
Gardeners, they sickened me. They were a vile group all round. They kidnap flowers, grow them, breed them. Only to cut them up to make bouquets for their perverse pleasure. Then they call it beauty........

Papyrus Adhesuvis

Papyrus Adhesuvis, or the common fruit sticker is one of the most well adapted creatures to our modern world. Fruit stickers are a migratory species which attach themselves to various hosts, generally fruit hence the name. Once attached to the fruit the stickers are transported all around the world with little effort on their part. Having nearly drained the fruit of all usable nutrients the sticker attaches itself to the next available source of food (including humans). Harmless though they are many people remove these beautiful and simple creatures. Having finally massed enough energy and nutrients the stickers find their way back to the fruit groves of their birth. Many people are not aware that this beautiful creature is in trouble. Despite the fact that they carry no diseases and are harmless on all levels (the nutrients they take from the fruit are useless to humans), many people toss them in the garbage where they will be shipped to the dump to die. Please, next time you eat fruit release them into the wild where they not only belong but have a fighting chance.

Why people hang out with me

I believe that the reason people hang out with me is so that one day they can meet my future girlfriend (and before you can say it "if you ever get one"). Everyone is waiting to see what she will be like. They're wondering what kind of a girlfriend a guy like me could ever get. The answer is... I have no idea. Maybe she'll be nerdy maybe she won't but, no matter what happens you all can shut up when I finally get one. You know? I should eat pretzels. Yeah, that's what I going to do now.

Driving

So as some of you may or may not know I got my license a couple months back. My brother is not a fan of my driving. On the way home I started saying that we needed to get away from the tornado. Just as I was losing interest in this I realized we were coming up to an increase from 50 kilometers an hour to 80. I started quoting Han Solo, turned to my mother and said "Chewie, prepare for the jump to lightspeed.", she did not react. I asked her to at least press a couple buttons but to no avail. When we got to the sign I called out "Punch it!" and almost floored the gas pedal. When we had almost made it to our turn off I mentioned about how we were almost at Alderean. "Now someone do the Obi-wan part". Once again, nothing happened. I quickly ran through the one man fighter bit and finished with "That's no space station while pulling into the driveway" (I know that that part is by Obi-wan but I realized at this point that no one would do it). After such a fantastic performance my brother had the audacity to complain of my driving. Ungrateful ingrate.

Some things should be shared

So there I was, extremely tired and bored while spreading peanut butter on my toast. So what do I do? Well obviously I start pelvic thrusting. My sister notices and becomes agitated, requesting that I stop. She glares at me and I start to grin while still pelvic thrusting. My mother tells her to pretend I'm not there. It started to work and I was getting bored (Still thrusting of course). Thinking quickly I said "Hey is that one of the kittens on the roof?". She turns to check and for a moment a look of puzzlement passed over her face and said "I don't see anything", as she said this she glanced over at me. She then gave me a dark look as she noticed that I was still pelvic thrusting and that she had falling right into my trap. With a triumphant grin I walked off to eat my toast.

One of those days

I was so tired all day it isn't even funny. There were two occurrences of me flopping to the ground and lying there for an extended period of time. Hopefully my brain will let me get some sleep tonight. You may not be very surprised to find out that I often have trouble sleeping due to my brain being extremely active. Also I was bored so I "Helped out" at the junior high youth group. We played a game where one person goes in the middle and everyone else tries to knock them down with pillows. Everybody gave up on trying to knock me down.

Storms Safety by the Bullocks

1. Is it raining? No / Yes. It's all good.
2. Thunderstorm? If yes, Awesome let's watch! if no, who cares?
3. Hailing? Yes, all right let's go to the basement. No, we're fine.
4. Does it stop? No, duck and cover. Yes, let's go back up and crank Newsboys. Somebody needs to go shovel the water off the patios so the basement doesn't flood. Joe, you can go blog. Also, be ready to run downstairs just in case.

Arm yourself, we're home.

Any of you who know me are most likely familiar with fascination with medieval times style weapons. Unfortunately several laws keep me from carrying them around, so I have taken to arming myself when I walk into my house. I take my throwing knives and attach them to my belt, if I'm not wearing one I put one on. Also for the first time I equipped myself with my Katana whilst arming myself. Basically I'm preparing in case of A) the zombie apocalypse or, perhaps slightly more realistic, B) I get attacked by a robber or something. Neither are very likely so I'll admit it, I just like feeling as if I'm in some kind of fantasy novel. Now if you'll excuse me I must pledge unto Frodo my bow, sword, knives, and machete.

Musicals, the unrealistic.

Musicals are so unrealistic it's ridiculous. people breaking into song all over the place without consequences. Let me tell you, last time I burst into song I got stern telling to... and punched. Most of the girls are all so bubbly and nice to everyone.. wish that was true. I'm a very nice person to all the ladies and to the 99.9%, if not all girls view me in a sort of amusing sideshow sort of way. The other day a girl I know mentioned bronchitis so I chimed in "Ain't nobody got time for dat". She laughed for a moment before looking at me strangely and saying "You're not supposed to say normal people things". In musicals they never look at you funny no matter what you do... all right that's pretty true of my life too, one time I put on a bunny mask, fairy wings, a tu-tu, and a wand, and ran around the cafeteria at my school. What I mean is that normal people get  funny looks. Anyway, musicals are absurd.
What would the title of your life be as a musical? Mine would be Lord of the Sings. The one musical to rule them all.

I will never get a girlfriend

Reasons I will never have a girlfriend #732548237498314789365749821, My flirting would be along the lines of: If I was a dinosaur, I would eat you last. Although that is assuming that I'm a carnivore. If I was a herbivore you would be in no danger. If I was a carnivore, let's be honest, I would eat you. Hey! You know what's a good show? Primeval! I like you... and bows... and knives... and swords... and burgers. I'm going to get a burger, you can come if you like but if you are I'm leaving right now.
That would be me on a good day. There would also be a couple of words concerning the Doctor Who episode "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship".

At my funeral

I know that my death will be one of the greatest tragedy to ever occur. However, I want everyone to enjoy themselves. Just because I'm not there is no reason that everyone can't have a good time. First at the reception there will be a guy dressed as the Grim Reaper. He won't do anything, he will just stand there. Finally at the end he will walk over to the coffin, place his hand over my heart, and chant a long eerie tune with no actual words for about a minute. He will then walk out and disappear into the night as it will be dark. At the funeral everyone must say an embarrassing story about themselves. Next there will be cake and food. Finally as they lower my coffin into the ground they will play music from Doctor Who, Lord of The Rings, Star Wars, or possibly some good old Christian rock. As people are placing their roses it will be quite tearful and suddenly whilst everyone's attention is on the coffin Monster by Skillet begins to play! The song plays until the drums begin, The Grim Reaper reappears with a single black rose he slowly walks forward with said single black rose, Monster still blaring. Followed by a procession of villains which includes Darth Vader (with an escort of two stormtroopers each with a white rose), Sauron, and hopefully Voldemort, among others. They simply put their roses on the coffin and walk away as the song ends (The Reaper stays). Not one of them says anything except for Vader who says "The Force was strong with him". At the end the reaper throws the last shovelful of dirt and leaves once again. Not having said a word this whole time.
If you think my funeral could be improved please drop a comment below.

I fail at shaving

Today I gave myself an actual cut for the first time while shaving. Did I slip and slash myself? A careless slip? Neither, the truth is that I'm an idiot. I got a bit of shaving cream on my ear. Did I remove it with my finger? No, I thought it would be a good idea to try and take it off with my razor... The actual razor blade part. Needless to say I now have to go get a band-aid.

Don't let me drive on bridges or across a border.

Today I crossed into the states over the blue-water bridge. At first I simply stared over the side through the car window. The I wondered what it would feel like to jump over the side into the water. I also wondered if the car was capable of slamming through the metal side to go flying off. Later I noticed the stairs that were on both bridges and decided that worst case scenario I would climb down them to escape. I also devised scenarios in which I would have to fight people on the bridge, terrorist attack etc. Finally we made it to the custom area and I had to resist the urge to either start screaming for help or chanting German at the customs officer to see what would happen. One day I'm going to get into serious trouble.

Spoiled dog

My grandparents have a dog named Bella.She is rather spoiled. She sleeps on the bed with them and they wake up early to take her out so she can go to the bathroom. You may be thinking "Well, that's fairly normal", and it is. However whenever someone makes toast she trots over, sits down, and waits to be given some of the crust. Not only that but she will not eat it if the piece is too hot. Spoiled little dog, it's a good thing she's so cute.

Constipation here I come.

So I get home after a long day of Ultimate Frisbee and want some tacos. Unfortunately we're out of meat. So I straight up jammed ludicrous amounts of cheese into several taco shells (five to be precise). I have since finished them all and, well, when there is this much cheese involved the title sums it up.

My thoughts while getting into cold shower

Am I good to go? Yup, all right let's go. *steps into shower* Gaaaaaaaahhaha!! COLD!COLD!COLD! *Rowrs like Chewbacca* Mother of mercy end this sensation! *Turns into potato and rolls into sunset to be promptly eaten by a pterodactyl* Has no thoughts at this point as I am a potato.

If I had a million dollars.

You know the one thing I never liked about that song? The guy doesn't know what to do with the money. Half way through I'm yelling "Dump her she's a gold digger". My ideas exceed a million but please stick with me. Number 1. Clone a T-Rex.... That alone would be boring, make it a cyborg as well. I will ride in full Sauron armor and he shall wear a sombrero. His name is Taco-Sauros Rex (because of the sombrero, well that and his diet will consist tacos alone). Number 2. Death Star, I know that they calculated an actual Death Star would cost trillions, but what would the debt companies do? I control the Death Star. Also I wouldn't conquer the world, I would buy expensive things and watch people squirm over wether or not to charge me for it, and if they asked me about it I would invite them up in my personal shuttle to the Death Star for ice cream (or pretend I had no idea what they were talking about). Number 3. Walk up to someone in the street and give them fifty thousand dollars and simply state "Your new name is Jeeves, be in my mansion by dawn". Number 4. Your choice. Drop a comment for what to do with, I guess at this point, infinite money.

The reason for the apocalypse

Many things have been said will cause the apocalypse, I have figured out what it will be. Some mad scientist will give turtles jet-packs. Everyone will be all "Oh, that's so cute", until the snapping turtles attack. They'll be flying around biting peoples heads off. The army arrives to try and try to contain them, but the turtles are too fast! They massacre the ground forces. an attempt is made to bomb the area that has been conquered. Logger head turtles smash the cockpits open and fly inside bringing down the planes. The turtles are too small to be tracked on radar or other conventional sources. It is only a matter of time now.

I wished I could speak German or Russian. More German, everything sounds so aggressive in German. For example watch this music video and then look up the translation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gZ25MYwWpM it is actually a very clean and not very aggressive song if you could understand the lyrics. It has the exact opposite effect of Morgan Freeman's voice, that man could say he just committed a heinous crime and his voice would still calm you down. With German an old lady could call out "Hi how are you" to someone down the street and it would sound like she was threatening to blow up a school bus full of children. Suffice to say German is on my list of languages to learn.

A word from the wise

If you own or plan on getting a laptop I have a word of advice for you, NEVER SHARE IT! The problem is that if you share it ones people assume that you will share it every time. I don't know how it started, most likely I let her watch a movie or do work on it. Now she spends several hours a week on it and it is quite annoying for me. She has even started kicking me off the laptop from time to time. Suffice to say, if you have a laptop keep it to yourself... or be prepared to pay the price.

The awesomeness of inside out shirt flipping.

So there I was just watching a video on Youtube with my shirt off when it started to get cold. I reached for my shirt which was right next to me, unfortunately it was inside out. I paused for a moment before plunging my hand into the neck hole of the shirt and ripping it the right way out. The moment I did it I realized that it felt like I had just plunged my hand inside person and ripped their spin out all orc like. From now that is what I will imagine every time I flip a shirt.

Tired

All right as you can probably tell from the title there will be very little writing today. Anyway, today I had my literary test (Boring) for the first two and a half periods. Later though I went to mount forest for an Ultimate Frisbee exhibition game which was pretty awesome. Finally I went and chilled at my friends house until my mom picked me up. Pretty good day over all. Might Blog a bit more later but probably not.

Paper: a delicacy

Today I started eating a paper plate, I have in the past consumed entire pieces of paper in my boredom. However this certain paper plate tasted rather nasty. I have spent a while now considering the taste and textures of various types of paper (my mom just called me weird)  (I am now also typing without my glasses) and I have come to the conclusion that the paper sticks from tootsie pops taste the best, it also is the (and glasses back on) best textured. In my time I have eaten many a type of paper. Cardboard is too hard and tastes like a piece of wood. Lined paper is number two, if it is nice and thin it is a delicacy. printer paper is too thick too begin with and tastes too chemicaly. I could continue but I have already instructed you on the best kinds of paper. Now if you are ever trapped in the Dunder Mifflin warehouse during the zombie apocalypse you will be able too not only survive, but thrive.

Pretty good day today

Today science I had an excuse to use light (lighting bunsen burners). Math wasn't too great. Had some laughs in history. However Spanish was awesome, me and my friends Eli and John did a short presentation after which we were told (for reasons still unknown to me) to take a walk for a few minutes. So with nothing else to do we walked over to where our mutual friend Ben's science class. Eli and John hid around the corner while I knocked on the door. Somebody yelled for me to open the door so I did, I then proceeded to ask if I could ask Ben some questions. Ben was given permission so he came out and chilled woth us for the next couple minutes.

Carrying swords in public

I can't be the only person who wishes they could have a sword in public. I have multiple weapons and the only regret that I have and that is my inability to carry them with me everywhere. Like just walking downtown with a bow over my shoulder, a sword on one hip, a machete on the other, and throwing knives strapped to my side. I wouldn't threaten anyone, I would just be walking around doing normal but, I would be armed to the teeth. Presumably I would be given an unusual amount of discounts. Of course I would buy a cloak and chain mail. By the end of it I would look like a shorter less fit Aragorn. One day I'm forced to take down several bank robbers with my weapons. From then onward I will assume the name of the Medieval Man. Capable of shooting a pin head from 100 yards, the greatest swordsman in five centuries, and the greatest knife throwers known to man.

Promiscuous fairies

What if, the reason certain flowers are supposed to be so popular with fairies is because fairies use them as strip clubs. As in, some little fairy gets bored and she goes and starts pole dancing on a flower or something. Soon all the male fairies show up followed by the female fairies to see what the hubbub is about. Next thing you know the entire garden turns into a nightclub for fairies. Of course a couple people see them and go "Oh look at them in the garden, so innocent". No, the truth must be known. Fairies are not sweet and innocent. Here are some tips to prevent your garden from becoming a fairy strip club: 1. Do not, I repeat NOT, get flowers with stems that stick straight completely straight up undisturbed (Roses are acceptable as fairies will not dance on them for fear of being squired). 2. Put in the odd carnivorous plant, nobody wants to party when the wrong step could mean getting eaten. 3. The occasional poisonous flower can keep them at bay as the have tendency to drink off the flowers, once again the threat of dying from one mistake should keep them away. Remember these tips and keep your house from becoming the latest fairy playground of sin.

Happy mother's day

I would like to take a moment to say happy mother's day to my wonderful mother and all other mother's out there.

The only problem with summer

The only problem about spring coming up is that practically every girl on Facebook, fat or skinny, will be posting selfies about the beach, bathing suits, summer clothes, whatever. For once can't girl just be like "Went for ice cream WITH MY CLOTHES ON". Basically, that is the only thing that will get my attention at this point, but of course they get the five hundred friends who all go on and on about how pretty they are. Come on people you're rewarding them and giving them attention for being a show-off. Ladies!!! look at this picture!!! This is how ridiculous you look!!!

#Selfie #Clothes #Need #Attention

#Nobody #Cares

Everything went better than expected / I win the bet

If you have not read my last two posts (Slapping people with fish and Nipple fencing) you should and you will notice the heavy usage of the word nipples. This was caused by my brother Andrew who does http://prettyflycampguy.blogspot.ca/ and his girlfriend Sarah who does http://campgirlintherealworld.blogspot.ca/ . You see, Andrew bet me two dollars I couldn't integrate the word nipples into a post about fish slapping five times. Completing the article and winning the bet (pay up Andrew) made me think of what sports could be done with nipples. Which of course brought me to nipple fencing (see the post itself for the rules). However earlier today my mother became intrigued concerning my blog and asked what the site was so she could look at it. I told her just as I was leaving the house and departed. Upon my return I asked my mother if she had checked my blog. with a slightly bemused smile she said that she had. Furthermore she stated that seeing as I had invented the sport I must record myself performing the world's first match of nipple fencing and post it to my blog. So, in conclusion everything went better than expected.

Nipple fencing

The ancient and lost art of nipple fencing.
Requirements:
2 functioning nipples,
Tape,
Cocktail swords.
Procedure: Take the tape and firmly secure a cocktail sword to each nipple.
How to fence: Charge each other swinging chests back and forth. Attempt to smack the opponent's cocktail swords off, Note swords must be knocked off with your swords.
The finish: Once both swords have been knocked off you must take your remaining cocktail sword(s) and poke the loser once in each nipple for each remaining cocktail sword.

Slapping people with fish

One of my new goals in life is to slap a person with a fish. Not just any fish though, a blue-finned tuna (why blue-finned? Because it sounds more impressive). It would be a two man job as they are very large, one person holds one end and another person holds the other and you throw it on top of  someone coming around the corner (aim for the nipple area). Then laugh as the giant fish crushes them (and their nipples). Also let us not forget the usefulness of small fish such as minnows as long range projectiles. Maximum throwing capabilities are achieved by firmly but not aggressively holding the nipples of the fish. You may be wondering, "Do fish have nipples?". The answer is most assuredly, yes. Fish do have nipples. Little known fact: Many species of fish are known to aggressively bite off the nipples of blonde haired blue eyed men. This is why my brother Andrew may no longer go swimming, he would like to keep the three remaining nipples he has. I know he only has three, what a freak right. top doctors say you need at least seven to function properly. But I digress, minnows are the optimal long range fish for beginners. More advanced people such as myself use great whites as their larger nipples allow for greater grasping abilities.
Canned and frozen fish are the weapons of cowards.
Please drop a comment concerning your favorite fishy armaments.

Today was a good day.

I went to an assembly first period so I didn't have to turn in my unfinished science homework. Continuing on to second period I nailed multiple math questions during the lesson leading to a high-five from the teacher. Due to the large number of students in our school for every assembly the tens and elevens go, do their assembly, and then the nines and twelves go. My second period math class is a nine ten split, when my teacher took down the nines I did a hand stand in the middle of class. For lunch I went to my pastor's house for a bible study and pizza (It wasn't delivery, It was Delisio). For third period (Spanish) my teacher got of topic so once again I did not have to hand in unfinished work. Finally for fourth (History) my teacher gave us an extension on my unfinished essay and we watched movies all class. Also my teacher talked mostly in english due to a need for speed and accuracy. Finally, while debarking from my school bus I gave a short speech wishing everyone a fond farewell and went inside. Plus i'm going to youth group tonight, WHAT WHAT!!

You know what bugs me? When someone is all concerned about the noise coming from something you're listening to and they make you turn it off because they think it's too loud. Next thing you know of course they've got some annoyingly loud thing playing but, it's not even music or anything catchy. It's just some random game on the Internet and they won't turn down the sound, and of course it makes random little bleeping and clicking noises all the time. It's such a bother that you would swear it was created for the sole purpose of trying to drive you insane. Seeing as at this point they have made you turn the music off you politely ask them if they could turn it down. Except of course now that it's them making the noise it can't be that bad so they refuse to turn it down. Honestly people if I have to turn it down so do you. You can't exempt yourself from your own rules.

Earlier today in second period (math) my teacher refused to turn on a fan. This led to some protesting by several of my fellow classmates, complaints such as "I'm boiling", and "It's too hot". Unable to resist I chimed in "It's getting hot in here, so take of your clothes". What happened next was a thing of beauty, a perfect moment of silent communication. Straight faced my teacher walked over and opened the door and looked at me completely stony faced. Without any prompting I rose from my seat and walked out of the class to spend the next five minutes in the hall.

Was just outside doing some archery when one of my arrows appeared to glance of the other arrow. Oh no, I thought, another damaged nock. Upon closer inspection I found out that I had pulled almost a full blown Robin Hood. While my arrows were an inch or two left of center one of them had broken the other's nock and was sticking straight out the back.

When I was done I pulled out the one that was still usable and called it a day.

How do you know it was a good day outside? When you're having a shower afterwards and start picking bits of foliage out of your hair. If you haven't been outside today then get out there, climb a tree, play football, play american football, play road hockey, just get out there and have some fun. You won't be disappointed. I can guarantee it, so get together with your siblings or friends and carpe diem outside.

Skillet's Sick of it and American noise from their upcoming album rise. Awesome music really mixes there old sound with a nice hint of something new. Recommend you listen to the new songs if you've heard them before, if you've never heard of them you should check them out they're sweet.

Arguing with siblings:

Rule one of arguing with siblings*, no matter what the situation, no matter how vicious the fight, go for the yo' momma insult. You see the thing is they can't respond with one because whenever they say one they are mocking their own mother. Now you might be thinking "But so are you", and this may be true but the person who wins the fight is the one who is willing to let go of their pride. If one is fighting a parent say either my momma or my father depending on who you are fighting with. Finally, next time someone says a your momma joke who is a stranger don't be afraid to yell MY MOTHER IS DEAD. Then run away pretending to cry. It will leave them speechless.

Bonus: Both you and the stranger will have a great story.

I have decided that one day I shall own a horse, and his name shall be Steedsworth. Steedsworth and I shall go on adventures together. I will ride him from Guelph to Paris. Yes, I know Paris is across the ocean but Steedsworth is a very special horse. Then I shall conquer France. I mean, I just rode a horse across the ocean how hard could it be right? Next I shall use my aquatic steed to cross the english channel and conquer England, and so on and so forth until I have conquered Europe. After that, Who knows? Europe this was your first and only warning. ALL HAIL STEEDSWORTH!!

Dancing: Sometimes I will just be dancing around the classroom, Wal-mart, hallways, in public, or even in my own house. No matter when or where I always get funny stares. I believe I may have figured it out, they're jealous you see. Some people myself included are born with the natural ability to dance and look sexy doing it, other people who don't have said natural ability are envious and for this reason they tell you to stop in their jealousy. These stares are stares of envy for your fantastic dancing, so next time a grumpy old person or a security guard gets all up in your face about dancing remember to dance that much harder.

Well, first post and trying to think of something funny.... Nope, although my mom is quite literally leaning her head on my shoulder in a blatant act of stalking. Have you ever just daydreamed about doing something heroic? As in a random happenstance where you have to save everyone's lives? I feel like I would be the one everybody would be getting saved from. I wouldn't go psycho killer or anything, but it is a very distinct possibility that I might one day steal a tractor and drive it through a school cafeteria. Feeling pretty Redneck, my brother who owns " http://prettyflycampguy.blogspot.ca/ " is attempting to extend our satellite dish with wood and duct tape.